This is the page where you will fing a shitload of funny stuff and you will laugh your ass off!...
at least i hope you do.... hahahhaha... then you won't have an ass anymore
tehehehe...... and yes... so here ya go!
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever
you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order
to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges
knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the
A. So men can be open minded
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What can
a bird do that a man can't?
A. Whistle through its pecker.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
don't have time.
Q. Why did God put men on earth?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why don't
women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q. What is the insensitive bit at
the base of the penis called?
A The man
Q. What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything.
Q. Why do men have a hole in their
A. So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to
give you enough blood to run one at a time"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
What is the thickest book in the world?
A. "What Men Think They Know About Women"
Q. What's the difference between
an intelligent man and a UFO?
A. I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Q. Why are gingerbread men the best
men of all?
A. They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
a man view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard or fluffy handcuffs.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
their mother told them not to play with strangers.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest
with a sharp knife.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you
slice them very thinly.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why did the man cross the
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get,
the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Government
bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually
run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are
taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Mean Chat-up Lines Replies
HE: Can I buy you a
SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi, Didn't we
go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been give your share.
HE: Will you go out with
me this saturday?
SHE: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, dont be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you
to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I cant talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
Why? Dont you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too
if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: Im a female impersonator.
Hey baby, whats your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
theres no service today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'de die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'llbe therest of your life- in your
Did you know?..."Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear
of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
Did you know?...According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least
Did you know?...In the Aztec culture avocados
were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.
know?...Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed
to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
you know?...The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
Did you know?...14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of
the opposite sex at least once.
Did you know?...According
to a U.S. market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.
Did you know?..."Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects
crawl on your genitals.
Did you know?...Male bats
have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
Did you know?...Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school
Did you know?...A man's beard grows fastest
when he anticipates sex.
Did you know?...· In earlier
times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research,
however, shows no connection.
Did you know?...The
female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the
Did you know?...A man will ejaculate approximately
18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.
Did you know?...The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured
to do so.
Did you know?...The first couple to be
shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Did you know?...Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
Did you know?...Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
Did you know?...For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn
pages. And heres my porn page.Did you know?...The word "fuck" is actually
an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague,
and the King issued an official order to... well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase "Fornicate
Under Command of the King" passed into everyday language.
Did you know?...A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A pig's penis is
shaped like a corkscrew and it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky...unless of course, you played 'pig-tipping'.
Did you know?...Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
Females, on the other hand think about sex every....mmmm... where was I?
Did you know?...The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on
the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.
Did you know?...A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week
have their immune systems boosted slightly.
Did you know?...A U.S. News and World Report poll found 50 percent agree that it is better to remain a virgin until you marry, and
39 percent felt it's better to have sex with a few different partners before settling down to marry.
Did you know?... During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused
one to permanately lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to
sell the elites "jazz proof" furniture.
Did you know?...All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.
Did you know?..."Venus observa" is the technical term for the "missionary
Did you know?... Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin
Did you know?...Gentle, relaxed lovemaking
reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your
Did you know?...Sex is one of the safest
sports you can take up(if you use a condom). It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
Did you know?...Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing
a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
Did you know?...The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater
quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
you know?...Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
Did you know?... Kissing
each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid
that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
Did you know?...Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
Did you know?...A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine.
It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
*80 things to do in a shopping mall*
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
Stomp on unopened tomato ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ...but save a few
to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food."
10. Follow patrons
of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from "Dianetics."
11. Ask mall cops for
stories of World War II.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular television set is labeled
black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really
can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally
screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pjyamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a
display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tv's that play only in Spanish.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware
department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask
if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them*
with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at
the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether
a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing
rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
30. Leave on
the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer
if he can play "Like a Virgin."
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards,
and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the
pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz."
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw."
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
Ask the information desk for a pram(stroller), and someone to push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice,
and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in
the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof."
42. "Play" the demo modes
of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed
in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases
with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's
Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service
phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars
at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist,
ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license
and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the
candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
51. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realise it.
52. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares,"
and see what happens.
53. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
54. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"
55. Look right into the security camera, and use
it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
56. Make a trail of orange juice on the
floor, leading to the restrooms.
57. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes
of gift wrap.
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
59. Switch the men's and women's
signs on the doors of the restrooms.
60. Set up a tent in the camping department
and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
61. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
62. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
63. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and mumble, 'It's those
64. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of
toilet paper in here!"
65. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
66. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
67. "Test" the tooth
brushes. Afterwards, place them back on the shelves in their packaging.
68. Walk up to complete
strangers and say,"Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. and see if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
69. Ride Escalators up and down.
70. Take objects off
counters and place them in unsuspecting shoper's baggages.
71. Place "Kick me "
signs on unsuspecting mall cops.
72. Trip old people (mean but fun).
73. Unleash a box full of ants in stores.
74. Pretend you are
answering to someone very loudley, when people tell you to be quiet yell"Shut up i am talking to the voices".
75. At fast food restaurant areas, show people your scabs, blisters and moles.
76. Well people are about to buy a video game tell them its not so good, the trick is to see how many people you can
convince not to buy a game.
77. Ask Mall cops lots of questions(this works well if
you have a frined for stealing distractions:} )
78. When someone enters a store,
put a sticker on them revieling your the(number)'th customer to enter the store, enjoy your stay.
79. Stand by picture booths, when a couple is about to take a picture, immedialey jump in with a good excuse.
Free the animals in the pet store, tell the store owner the voices in your head told you to complete this task